Thank you Francis Chan

Thank you Francis Chan.
I have heard this sermon a few times before, but it never hit me as it did today. "Rejoice in the Lord" isn't a suggestion, but a commandment. When I don't have all of the answers, when I am prone to worry instead of giving it over to God, when I pray and still worry (which is my go-to attitude more often than not), I am not trusting the God of the universe. And that is my problem.
So, God, thank you for the reminder that all is in your hands. Thank you for caring about me more than I care about myself or even my own family.
Thank you.

(video uploaded on May 19th at 10:22 am. When I should have been getting ready for church ;)  )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmZcXSORV0M

Trusting God when you have absolutely no control, counting my blessings...Or not.

There is an ironic-ness in the title of this post. Because does anyone really have any control over anything? As a Christian I have to say no. God is the one in control. But I do enjoy having the illusion of control in my life. That is, until my children are concerned.
I have 3 children. I love them with my whole heart, but I wish they would have stayed 10, 8, and 6, respectively, forever. But, they are 20, (almost) 18, and (almost) 16, and I am panicky. The oldest is finishing up his second year of college and is transferring to a larger school in September. The middle is getting ready to go away to college in the fall. The youngest is still home for 2 more years, so I actually don't feel so panicky about him.
But the other 2, that is totally another topic! Especially the middle one, our daughter. I am panicky over financial aid. I know, in the grand scheme of things, 10 years from now, it really won't be that big of an issue. Sure, she will be paying back her schooling for the rest of her life, but at least it will be settled. Right?
Right now I am caught up in the recurring topic of what ifs... But I am really tired of it.
Those of us with obsessive personalities understand this. I don't want to worry, I am tired of worrying, I will not worry any longer...but what if... And so it goes.
I look up inspiring thoughts on the internet and what I get is Francis Chan telling me I am ego-centric and sinful because I think my problem is bigger that God, my life is more important than God's will. OK, I don't really need to hear that right now. It doesn't inspire me to stop worrying. It actually makes it worse.
 I think I should pray about it. But then I think that all of my prayers lately have been about, "God help me do this. God make this better..." and I realize what a sinful creature I am and so unworthy. Then I give up. Of course the rational side of me knows better. Knows that God isn't like that. But my upbringing has a stronger effect on me than the truth of scripture (in my upbringing it was, "Jesus is coming soon, make sure you are always right with God. Make sure you never have any unconfessed sin or you'll go to Hell." Grace? That's for the new believer, not for those of you brought up in the faith...).
Which leads me to where I am now. A control freak without control. Someone who needs to remember the blessings in my life (of course, that leads me to think I have had nothing but a blessed life, so who am I to think that it can continue...).
Last year, I chose for my Word of the Year: Trust. I really thought I had a handle on that. I thought I had finally gotten to the point that I understood what it means to trust in God with my whole heart and to lean not on my own understanding. But I guess I didn't. Because here I am a year later sick with worry over something I need to trust God with. Plus, it isn't my life, but my daughter's. And she needs to learn these life lessons.
It is Mother's Day 2013.  I will go back to my word of the year from 2012. Trust. And I re-think my word of the year for 2013. I am changing it from Risk, to Prayer. I will re-learn how to trust in God, and I will commit to more prayer about everything not just my want-things.
And I will learn to trust again.

I love baseball.  I love to watch it on tv, I love to go to a game.  This summer, when we go back to Illinois to visit my oldest son and my parents I hope to go to a Cubs game as well as a Rockford Riverhawks game.  About 2 years ago, my husband, daughter, youngest son, and a good friend all went to a Cubs game, and something about the atmosphere there struck me.  There was a feeling of ultimate camaraderie.  Although I only knew the other 4 people I was with, I felt like everyone there was on my side.  This got me to thinking, isn't this what Church should be like?  So I sat down and composed a list of reasons why going to Church should be like going to a baseball game.  It is not exhaustive, and I am sure if I had given myself more time I might be able to think up more.

Here are my reasons (in no particular order) why going to Church should be more like going to a baseball game:

1.  High fives when exciting things happen.  High fives for everyone, not just those you came with (this was an exciting part for my daughter.  Something exciting happened- the Cubs actually looked like they might do something ha,ha- and I looked over at my daughter who was high 5ing everyone around her).

2.  Everyone is excited to be there.  No one is there out of duty or obligation.

3.  Everyone sings loudly, regardless of ability.


4.  Food.  And cup holders in the seats.

5.  All ages are there together.  There is no "jr. baseball game" or "teen baseball game" going on at the same time.  Young and old are there cheering the team on together.


6.  No one cares if your child has to use the bathroom 5 times.  (This really happened to me.  Our son had to get up at least 5 times throughout the game.  I kept apologizing to the people down the row and they all said, "No problem! It's part of the game!")

7.  Love of the game is passed down from generation to generation.  This ties in to number 5.  How can you pass down something you love if you are not allowing your child or grandchild to see how much you love it and experience it with you?

8.  People cheer loudly when good things happen, and they suffer together when things don't go our way.



This is my list.  Can you think of any others?

"A conflict of interest"

     I am struggling here, people. I struggle with God on a weekly basis. I don't struggle about my faith. That was over years ago. No, I struggle about Church and what that means. This year has been hell. Hell. When you wake up one day and realize for the last 11 years you have been at a church that only wanted you there for what you could do for them, that no one ever really wanted you there for who you are, and when they don't like what your husband has said or done they turn their back on you. That is when you realize why they never cared about you, because then it is easy to turn away. That hurts. That is a deep hurt that doesn't go away. So you join another group of outcasts from the same group and they want to just repeat everything that has been done. It's a struggle. I am tired of struggling. I want to find a small group of people who are willing to sit together and pray. To take communion. To read the Bible. I don't want the fancy music and a thousand people. I just want a few.
     But that is not what the majority of the western world wants when it comes to church. And that is what makes me miserable each and every Sunday. Because I feel obligated to go with this group. If it were just me, I wouldn't be there. But it is my husband and my children that give me the obligation. Because he feels this is important. So, is it God that is making me uncomfortable, or Satan? That is why I struggle. Because if it were God, wouldn't my husband have this same struggle? But I can't get over the feeling that it is wrong. That I do not feel right about any of this.
     I know that I am guilty of some judgemental attitudes in regards to the people of this place that call themselves Christian. I see that they are having a big "Neighbourhood Block Party" and all I can think is, they just want more people to sit in the pew and give more money to pay off a building that they don't really need in the first place. I know I am not without sin here. So I struggle. I don't "feel" right about this. As I read scripture though, the Church I read about isn't like the Church we have here. And if we are about following scripture, shouldn't we be looking into this as well? So I struggle.
     Probably no one will read this, and that is ok- I am not even sure if any of this makes sense. But it makes sens to me. I also probably don't want most people I know to read this. But, as the days turn in to weeks, then months, than years, I look forward to the Sundays when it is just my husband and I and I can opt out of a Sunday worship that is not worship and opt into a Sunday of true worship.
    I think about a song by Sandy Patti from the 90's. "So I'm waiting for another time and another place. Where all my hopes and dreams will be wrapped up in Jesus face..."

Wonder

Have you ever watched a movie that so impacted you that you were compelled to watch it? One that the more you watched it, the more excited you became so that by the end of it you knew you must watch it again, you must own it? Maybe you even began to note certain lines because it was so important to you? The film, Mr. Magorian’s Wonder Emporium was just that film for me. From the very first line I was hooked.

At the very beginning of the film, the character Eric is narrating and he says something that is so profound that it made me not only sit up and listen, but I made my children back up the DVD so I could write it down: “I don’t know why grown-ups don’t believe what they did when they were kids. Aren’t they supposed to be smarter?”

That one line set the tone for the rest of the movie and kept me literally so enthralled I could not take my eyes and ears off the screen. That one line personifies what it means to have child-like faith. To believe because that is just what you do, because there is no other option.

For one year I was a youth group sponsor. That year taught me many things, but most importantly it taught me that I am not a good youth group sponsor. My problem is that I think teenagers should be more responsible than 5 year olds, because they are older and supposedly more mature.

I also learned that it is almost too late to build a spiritual foundation if we wait until our children are teenagers (and I say almost only because someone out there will tell me of their own conversion in teenage years, even though I would probably guess they had some spiritual foundation as a young child). By the time we are teenagers, we have been too jaded by the world. By the time we are teenagers and if we haven’t had a spiritual upbringing, we have had all of our spiritual knowledge taken away by our culture, education, the media, and whatever else may be out there.

One night we had a discussion on whether or not we are born with a negative outlook on life (these particular teens loved to have these deep discussions). This one young man was convinced that we are all born with this negative outlook. I felt so sorry for him. In all my work with young children in many different situations and communities, I have never come across a young child who was unhappy all the time. Many young children are forced to deal with very negative situations in their own life, and many do deal with them in ways adults might term negative, but each child has as an underlying grounding of a positive nature. They laugh at silly knock-knock jokes that don’t make sense. They smile when they run, just because they can run. The world is beautiful and full of wonder. And this, in its essence, is child-like faith. It is the knowledge that everything is good just because God said it was.

What does it mean to have child-like faith? What does Jesus mean when he says we must have the faith of a little child in order to get into heaven? Doesn’t Paul then contradict this in I Corinthians when he speaks of “putting away childish things”? Paul doesn’t contradict, because being child-like and childish are two different things. One is enviable, and one is immature. Many would define child-like faith as a kind of benign, blind faith, a fatalistic one even. One that says, “Well, I guess this is just what Jesus wants or would do.” But that isn’t child-like at all. In fact, that is childish faith, faith that doesn’t last when the going gets tough.

Child-like faith is something totally different. It is seeing beyond the ordinary into the extraordinary, a wonder in the common things, finding the supernatural in the natural. It is playing with the box more than with the toy that was once contained in it. It is a trust that is so natural that to not trust is incomprehensible. It is a faith that believes because that is the only natural course of action. It is a faith that says, like Peter, “Lord, where else could I go?”

One year at the child care centre I worked at (a secular centre), there was a big discussion on how people got here. Some said people were always here, some genuinely didn’t have a clue. Because I like to see where children’s thoughts are headed, I stayed out of the conversation and just listened. One wise young man spoke up with very good authority.

“Listen,” he said. “I know how people got here.” All of the other children were silent. “God made a man and a woman. They had babies, and then those babies grew up and had babies, and so on. That is how we got here.” The rest of the children were very satisfied with that answer and that pretty much ended the discussion. The voice of authority had spoken and all were satisfied. I, myself, was very impressed. So I mentioned it to his mother. Her response is one that I will always remember, because it solidified what I have always believed about the spiritual growth of young children. She said, “Not too bad for a kid who’s never been to church in his life.”

Notice there was no talk of Darwin or evolution in any of this conversation. No one brought it up. Why? Because evolution presupposes that we are born a blank slate, knowing nothing. We are all a product of random chance. But because we do know things from birth, because God has given us a seed of knowledge of him, this young five year old child could tell the truth with confidence. God made us. It’s a fact. There was no room for discussion of this, and no one contradicted him because they, too, knew he was right.

My little dollar store purchase of a Webster’s English Dictionary Concise Edition for school, home and office (1999- reprinted in 2002- Geddes and Gosset, New Lanark ML11 9DJ Scotland) defines “wonder” as, “a feeling of surprise or astonishment; something that excites with such a feeling; to feel wonder; to be curious; to speculate, to marvel.”

And that is what we have allowed ourselves to loose as adults. We loose that sense of wonder because we have too many more important things to do. We don’t look at the rainbows anymore, or smell the roses. When we sing in the worship service that is all we do, sing, we don’t feel it. We wish we could, we say each year that this is the year we will slow down, but really, we continue in that rushed way we have.

My family often makes fun of me because I insist on singing loudly, if sometimes off key. I even mess up the words sometimes. And I respond, “Maybe if everyone were as excited about Jesus’ conquering death, you wouldn’t hear me sing at all because they would singing louder.” Not that I am more holy or religious than anyone else, but I have chosen to take the time to wonder that God, who made the universe just by saying it was so, cares about me and you and everyone else in this world. I have chosen to try to regain that child-like faith. Sunday is now my favourite day of the week.

HMMMM

I want you to imagine something. Imagine you are a young child again. Assuming you went to Church as a young child, what is your earliest memory from church? Is it sitting in a classroom learning about Jesus? Is it running through the Church halls with your friends only to be scolded by someone whom you weren’t even related to? These are some of my early memories, but not my most prominent memory. That one happened when I was very young. I remember being 2 years old and singing,

A sunbeam, a sunbeam, Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, A sunbeam, a sunbeam, I’ll be a sunbeam for him.

I also remember being 4 years old and singing in Sunday School, “Rock-a-my soul in the bosom of Abraham” and not understanding what that meant but knowing that I didn’t want to be at the end of the bench. Because, while singing that song you had to rock back and forth and we would always try really hard to knock that last person off the bench during the song.

The team of teachers that taught us were a husband and wife. Thirty years later, when I would visit that church with my own children, they were still leading the 4’s and 5’s Sunday School. By my calculations, that is more than 35 years in that position. 35 years volunteering in the service of the King. That is amazing, especially amazing considering the amount of prestige given to teachers of young children.

I have personally been told by many well meaning Christians that teaching young children is good practice for the more important teaching of those who are older. That must mean that that husband and wife team were really bad teachers if they had to spend 35 years or more in that one department. Hmmm.

I have been told that my service in the Sunday School nursery is a waste of my talents. I could be teaching an adult class, or even older children, a class with some “real” meaning. It didn’t really matter what I did with the infants and toddlers, because they wouldn’t remember it anyway. Hmmm.

There is a myth among many Christians today. It is that nothing important happens in the younger years, that it is only when we are older that our spiritual education matters. However, I would contradict that myth with one simple fact. We learn the most important thing in those early years. We learn:

“Jesus loves me, this I know, For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, They are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.”

This one song, while so incredibly simple, is probably the most profound song we will sing in our Churches and our in our lives. If we don’t learn the basic fact in this one song, that Jesus LOVES us, then Christians, regardless of their age, will never fully comprehend the blessings of the life we have been called to live

Sacrifice and Surrender. It's not just giving.

Sacrifice is not intended to be easy, thus the word sacrifice. Abraham was asked to offer his son on the alter. The Israelites were told to give their first-fruits, their best. Sacrifice isn't about giving money, it is about us. Everything. Our desires, dreams, passions.

I think the last one has been the toughest. Note: Be careful what you offer to God, He will take you up on it! I told God He could have all of me, because I was so sure I was doing what I had been called to do. So God says, "OK, give me your passion." So here I am, saying, "Here you go God." But I'm not letting go. I am forcing Him to pry my fingers off of my passion one by one. I am kicking and screaming about it, but I am giving it too Him (what real choice do I have?). I have to trust that by giving this to God, he has something better for me in return. I have found that I have had to give up all of my own ideas and plans that I thought I had for the last 20 years. If I were younger, I might respond differently. But at 44, God has pointed me in a new direction, a new career. A career I never aspired to, or even thought I wanted. But, here I am. And I am learning and growing and changing. It is scary and sad. I had so much invested in the last 20 years. Yet, it is exciting at the same time. I am learning so much.

But everyday is a sacrifice for me. It is one I make willingly at times and one I struggle with at other times. So I am giving God all of my hopes, dreams and passions that I have had for the Church and I am taking up the new role he has given me. I am trying to leave my old paradigm for my life and embrace my new one.

I sing daily, "I surrender all to you, Lord, all to you."