"A conflict of interest"

     I am struggling here, people. I struggle with God on a weekly basis. I don't struggle about my faith. That was over years ago. No, I struggle about Church and what that means. This year has been hell. Hell. When you wake up one day and realize for the last 11 years you have been at a church that only wanted you there for what you could do for them, that no one ever really wanted you there for who you are, and when they don't like what your husband has said or done they turn their back on you. That is when you realize why they never cared about you, because then it is easy to turn away. That hurts. That is a deep hurt that doesn't go away. So you join another group of outcasts from the same group and they want to just repeat everything that has been done. It's a struggle. I am tired of struggling. I want to find a small group of people who are willing to sit together and pray. To take communion. To read the Bible. I don't want the fancy music and a thousand people. I just want a few.
     But that is not what the majority of the western world wants when it comes to church. And that is what makes me miserable each and every Sunday. Because I feel obligated to go with this group. If it were just me, I wouldn't be there. But it is my husband and my children that give me the obligation. Because he feels this is important. So, is it God that is making me uncomfortable, or Satan? That is why I struggle. Because if it were God, wouldn't my husband have this same struggle? But I can't get over the feeling that it is wrong. That I do not feel right about any of this.
     I know that I am guilty of some judgemental attitudes in regards to the people of this place that call themselves Christian. I see that they are having a big "Neighbourhood Block Party" and all I can think is, they just want more people to sit in the pew and give more money to pay off a building that they don't really need in the first place. I know I am not without sin here. So I struggle. I don't "feel" right about this. As I read scripture though, the Church I read about isn't like the Church we have here. And if we are about following scripture, shouldn't we be looking into this as well? So I struggle.
     Probably no one will read this, and that is ok- I am not even sure if any of this makes sense. But it makes sens to me. I also probably don't want most people I know to read this. But, as the days turn in to weeks, then months, than years, I look forward to the Sundays when it is just my husband and I and I can opt out of a Sunday worship that is not worship and opt into a Sunday of true worship.
    I think about a song by Sandy Patti from the 90's. "So I'm waiting for another time and another place. Where all my hopes and dreams will be wrapped up in Jesus face..."